I Meditated 10 Hours a Day for 10 Days – 10 Day Vipassana At Dhamma Kancana

10 day vipassana

What do you do when you’re struggling in life? How do you escape the pain? Why is life so hard, what’s it all worth and what is the purpose?

These are all questions that have rattled my brain for as long as I can remember. And I’ve been yearning for an answer. For some reason, I thought I might find that answer on a 10 day Vipassana retreat in Kancana Thailand. Boy was I wrong! But it did help me understand the nature of my mind. Although a positive experience overall, I left feeling more spiritually broken than ever. Balanced, but broken.

The purpose of mediation is to try to sit with your mind in silence and not get totally eaten alive by it.
Michael Taft (Deconstrucing Yourself)

I want to share with you a different take on the Vipassana retreats you see online and reveal the dark side of them that no one shares. There is still some difficult feelings to process from the experience I had.

You can't imagine the depths your mind can go to until you experience it for yourself. The layers of pain that are there to be unraveled and faced with no aversion, only to dissolve right in front of you into vast nothingness and bliss. And I couldn't have imagined it before partaking in this either. 

It can be a convincing little f*cker that brain of yours, and during the retreat I had managed to convince myself of all kinds of ridiculous things I laugh at now, but they were very real in the moment. I thought I was going to turn into a spider, get sucked into hell, and leave the retreat with psychosis only to be locked up in a dingy mental hospital for the rest of my life.

All you will learn more about later, but first a little backstory for context I believe is necessary. (Don’t worry you can skip here if you don’t want to read)

The Path That Lead Me To Vipassana – Anxiety, OCD, Drugs & Total Meltdown

It was 2am, I was 21 and my vision was split into three, with twisting paths in each. Large reverberated harsh-like bass sounds (the kind you hear in DnB) rattled my twisted world, and tentacles from trees were closing in. I panicked; which path do I choose? I’d dropped acid about 4 hours prior hoping to have a good time, but something had triggered me and I needed to run. I needed to get home. I needed to be safe.

Left after a heavy night of painkillers, alcohol and cough syrup

Stumbling home surrounded by my friends, I finally made it to the door. Fumbling for my keys I opened it, ran upstairs, and locked myself in the bathroom. I was safe.

Staring in the mirror, pupils as large as dish plates, suddenly I had an epiphany - "If I can do the work it takes to become this f*cked up, I can do the work it takes to get back".

The years before this moment had been hell. After experimenting with drugs in my teens, by 21, I had fallen into a desperately difficult addiction to painkillers. By the time it got bad, I was taking around 10, 2mg “Xanax”/day (most likely cut with fentanyl) to numb myself from my thoughts.

They made me feel “normal”; like I could function. On these, nothing could touch me (or at least the things that did I wouldn’t remember). I could socialize and not feel utterly disgusted by myself, I could focus on working and working out without thoughts rattling my mind, and they ironically made me better at my sales job.

On a typical day I would wake up at 7am, take a pill, workout for an hour, take another pill with coffee, get to work for a couple of hours, take another, and continue my day like so until collapsing into bed at some ungodly hour, full of not only, painkillers, but alcohol, weed, cough syrup and anything I could get my hands on to calm my nerves.

After a year of this cycle, I decided to stop after I’d seen a picture my friend took of me passed out (above) the day after I’d consumed alcohol, painkillers, and cough syrup on what was supposed to be casual drinks out for a friend’s birthday.

I was ashamed at how self-absorbed I could be to potentially ruin someone else’s night. So, I decided to go cold turkey.

If any of you know the slightest thing about painkillers, you can NEVER go cold turkey on them. They can cause seizures and even death because they are psychologically addictive, but very quickly become something that your body physically depends on, if taken in large quantities over a long period of time.

To cut it short, I had a week-long drug-induced psychosis, poor sleep, vividly real nightmares, and hallucinations. Finally, my body cracked, I had a seizure and ended up in the hospital. But all I could think about in the hospital bed was Xanax. That day was the start of a long journey of recovery, which took 4 more overdose hospital visits and 3 years of hard work battling cravings and addictions, undoing what I had done.

I have been clean for almost 5 years now, and have done some amazing things. I’ve run 4 marathons, a 50-mile ultramarathon, built a business, sold it, and accumulated some nice savings for someone my age.

But there was always something still missing… personal development had got me this far, and doing, doing, doing was keeping me afloat, but I still felt incomplete, battled with insane social anxiety, fear, and OCD.

This lead me to investigate other methods of recovery, and so I decided to do a Vipassana course. They rejected me for the first one (now I understand why because I had only been clean for a year at that point). Then in 2023, I got accepted to take one in Thailand.

One thing I would come to learn on this retreat is the extent to which I had been using almost everything in my life to escape feeling fear. From early uses of drugs in my teens and 20s, flipping to an intense addiction to exercise and work, everything was an escape from my busy mind. The doing was what was keeping me from facing the root of my issue, and that is something that is incredibly difficult for your ego & mind to accept.

Signing Up Anxiety & Why I Chose Kancana

I decided to take the retreat in Thailand for two reasons:

  1. Fewer reasons to back out
    • More obstacles stopping me – I’d have to get a taxi from the middle of nowhere, potentially stay the night in a hotel regretting what I had done, and then get on a 12-hour flight home).
    • I was serious about completing this, and I wanted every reason to help me stay (little did I know it wouldn’t be enough to prevent me from almost leaving).
  2. It’s a country I love, speak the language and that is very aligned with Buddhism & meditation practice

I had been meditating for 3 years by this point, using free online guided meditations from Michael Taft (highly reccomend), but had fallen out of practice in the last year. I was stuck at a crossroads after selling my business fully and had no idea what I wanted with my life, so started learning Spanish & Thai for 7hours/day, boxing 3x per week and gymming 3x per week.

But I realised, I needed to do something more soon and find out what I really wanted in life, so I settled on signing up for Vipassana.

The anxiety that I felt through my bones when signing up, realising I was committing myself to 4:30am wake ups, 10 hours of meditating in between and 9:30pm rests, was intense. It was the amount of time to do nothing that worried me.

How would I cope without exercise?
How would I cope without filling my day to the brim?

Despite this, I signed up with a deep feeling that it was meant for my path. In the run-up to the retreat I immeadietly started my mediation routine again, waking up at 4:30am everyday and strict bed times by 9:30pm. Little did I know how unprepared I would be…

An Addict Walks Into A Vipassana Meditation Retreat

After a long flight, mixing meditation and Spiderman Into the Multiverse to pass the time (becomes important later), I landed in Thailand where I’d rest for a few days to reset my body clock. To get to the meditation centre we had to take a coach, on which I made a great friend who I chatted to for the entire trip, mentioning how easy I think I would find the silence part of the course – I couldn’t have been more wrong!

When you arrive at the centre, they explain the retreat to you, get you to sign some official papers, hand in your passport and your phone, computer etc. with it. This was a surreal moment for me. I stood there, staring at the paper which told me I wouldn’t be allowed to leave until the 11th day, trying to internalize what the f*ck I was about to do to myself.

After, they gave us our room numbers, and said to go and unpack our things and check the room for our dining equipment, sheets, etc.

The meditation centre had a phenomenal beauty to it. It was situated right next to a national park and was almost jungle-like with sounds from all kinds of animals I’d never heard before (which later I’d come to despise).

I felt a sense that this was right, but all of me wanted to run away.

Blissful Peace & Abiding

On the first day we were introduced to anapana, which is a technique where you focus on the breath coming in and out of the tip of your nose. This later develops into a different technique where you are asked to feel the sensations on a small spot above your upper lip. You are asked to do this for 3 entire days… yes just focus on the tip of your nose for 3 days.

This part of the is considered essential to create a base level of calm so that you can do the Vipassana body scan later on, with a greater deal of accuracy and peace.

Getting used to this was difficult at first, and some hours felt like they would last forever, while others passed so gracefully with clear, peaceful abiding in no thought.

During these meditations my mind raced wildly, from thinking what I’d do when I got home, to extremely vivid thoughts about sex, dream-like sleepy states, work, my relationship, and pretty much anything it could to distract itself from the main task of feeling the sensation of the breath.

In some sessions it was easy to leave the thoughts and return to the breath, in others it was extremely difficult. In some, I couldn’t catch myself wandering off in thought until it had gone on for ages, totally encapsulated by the stories of my own creation. But, low and behold, with each session my mind became sharper and quicker at noticing when I had wandered off into no man’s land, until I had become so sharp, I was noticing every minute or so and refocusing straight away.

By day 4 I had started to get pretty good, and spent a lot of the time detached from thought, focussed on the breath. This was when I began to notice the patterns of my mind clearly.

These were states of calm that I had never experienced before. Everything was so vibrant, so beautiful! Watching the mind became balanced and difficult emotions became intriguing and, at points, hilarious to look at. They were interesting, rather than hurtful or difficult. I had been transported into a place of pure peace and harmony, and it felt like nothing could alter this state.

In one session something completely clicked for me, and it was like I was almost watching my mind run away in the same pattern that it had always done for these past few years. The pattern that was causing me all this pain and dismay was presented on a platter to me and I did not get involved. It was like I had figured out that, I was in fact in the matrix, but I had been putting myself there this entire time! Worrying for the sake of worry. No point to it, but endless.

After a few more mediation sessions I started to see clearer and clearer. I had created this character! The person I had been living as all these years were a mirage, like a projector displaying images on a screen that I chose to believe and get involved with.

But the craziest thing was, no matter how much I told myself I hated these emotions and wanted to stop feeling them, a part of me actually liked it; the struggle, the story, the battle… it was all a fun little game for my ego. Like a kid collecting rare Pokemon cards to show his friends how amazing his collection was, or a grown man collecting sports cars to show off his wealth. It was all a lie, and an avoidance strategy.

This was incredibly eye-opening for me and completely changed the way I now deal with my emotions.

And the states of bliss achieved through leaving those old patterns behind… OH THE STATES OF BLISS! But it wouldn’t last long… I was latching onto those feelings, thinking I was so great at meditation.

How could I not be?

I was doing all of the meditation and getting to unfathomable states of peace. Yes. It was me. It was MY PRECIOUSSS!

Dissolving The Body Into Nothingness & Healing Years of Physical Back Pain

Context: before I came to the retreat I had been suffering from lower back pain for 5 years, and a week before I had very badly sprained my ankle (it has still not recovered 2 months on). This would cause me great deals of pain throughout the retreat (and in life before Vipassana), but somehow, to my complete shock, it completely disappeared on Day 6 of the retreat. It did not return until a month after leaving.

After the 5th day, we started to incorporate the body scanning technique. At first, it was extremely hard to concentrate, and I kept visualising the body parts, moving my eyes, and feeling the sensations in a very, very small area. This caused a tension (what they call “gross” sensation) in the forehead and temples that felt like a big wall that would not break.

After practicing for a day, on Day 6, I managed to get into states of free-flow vibrations throughout the body, but only after sessions of intense focus that would create an incredible amount of tension, that would suddenly dissolve randomly into space.

Then, all of a sudden, my entire body dissolved. Everything but the head was blown into 360-degree space where everything and everyone was connected. I was here, but nowhere to be found, my identity was gone, there was no location, I didn’t know where I was and everything was pure bliss – so euphoric. It felt like I had become something entirely new. Interestingly lower back pain of 5 years completely disappeared, and my sprained ankle automatically stopped hurting and never returned for the rest of the course and even a month later.

Everything became so clear, everything I wanted in life was here in this moment, it was not some material possession, not some achievement or person – it was always this way.

HOWEVER… I started to enjoy this sensation so much that I attached myself to it. I wanted to keep it and feel this way forever. Little did I know how DANGEROUS this would be later on.

After being in this state for 20-30 minutes, it all collapsed in the blink of a moment. A replay of a Frank Yang podcast flung to the forefront of my mind.

If you don’t let go you’re going to be annihilated

Frank Yang

My mind had latched, and it wouldn’t let go.

Everything sucked in. All of a sudden I became scared of the blissful experience. It was unknown. Why did I feel unlike me? Why did my body feel new? It was all wrong. I wanted my old consciousness back. I was safe there.

I started to freak out. I needed to know I was ok.

This was the first time I broke my noble silence and booked a slot to ask the teacher what had happened (something I wish I hadn’t done now, as it started a loop of thoughts like “am I doing it right?”, “oh no I will create another ).

She told me my experience was natural and I was progressing well, but part of me didn’t believe her. It wanted reasurrance to know it was ok, but didn’t trust it. We spoke about how I was practicing, and it was here I realized I was meditating in the “wrong” way, focussing on too small a spot, and not scanning correctly.

She told me that if I had continued to focus this way, it might work for a bit, and I’d get results, but there would be a point my mind would burn out from the focus and wouldn’t want to meditate again. She suggested an easier technique which I tried in the next session, but I couldn’t stop ruminating on what had happened, or whether I was doing it right or not.

Witnessing Hell & Becoming Arachnaphobic?

How did we go from bliss to come to witness hell? Why all of a sudden was I scared of something I had never been scared of before?

In a matter of a day my experience had altered from one of pure bliss, to one of pain, difficulty, and struggle. So much so that I attempted to quit on Day 7.

But why?

What had happened to me is exactly how Goenka would explain it in Day 8’s discourse.

Because you reach the stage of total dissolution, then a very deep sankara will come on the surface… and you start feeling again, very gross, very unpleasant sensations, and you feel so depressed. I am regressing. I had such a wonderful sensation and look it is missing… You have not understood Dhamma properly. You have started playing games of sensations.

S.N. Goenka

I wanted to return to the bliss. I didn’t want to feel how I felt in the moment. I had loss the balance of equanimity.

So much so, that I kept following thoughts so much that by Day 7 I had convinced myself I was going crazy. I was having a psychotic episode and I had to leave immeadietly. The dissolution had unlocked a fear I had been trying to escape my whole life. A fear I hadn’t felt in a very long time. A fear so strong it was akin to moments of panic I had, had on drugs all those years before.

It was so strong, I had ended up sobbing in the back of the room, feeling sorry for myself, wanting it to end.

First, the fear was of “losing myself”, then the fear was of death, then I started to develop a huge fear of insects… specifically spiders.

To calm my mind I went back to the breath to regain equanimity. But this didn’t work for a while. I couldn’t shake the thought that I was going to be devoured or poisoned by one of these spiders.

The fear got so bad, I started to fear all insects, and started to generate to ridiculous ideas that I may turn into a one myself. I had visions of spiders legs erupting from my hands, and fangs coming from my face.

I felt like I had completely lost my mind.

I couldn’t sit still and kept going to the bathroom to try and run away from facing what my experience was there and then.

With each trip, I was scared to look in the mirror because of the irrational fear that I might see a huge spider in the background. Thoughts from a homeless man, I had met years before rattled my head. I remember he kept looking into the mirror and saying “I look like a spider mate”. He had lost his mind, and I thought this might be my destiny too. I thought I was going to become him. I didn’t want to.

Looking back it’s almost hilarious to think I thought this. How irrational it was. But it felt so real at the time. I felt like I really needed to run from this. Close it off, or I might genuinely lose myself.

The more I kept reacting, and avoiding, the more it kept multiplying, until it was fear of almost everything. A constant hum that was inescapable. I couldn’t take it. Everything was making me scared. I needed an escape, and I’m ashamed to admit I kept breaking noble silence to quit – trying 3 times.

Then day 8 came... the day I witnessed hell.

I was awoken by the 4:30am bell, reluctant to go to the hall I got out of bed, showered and got myself ready. As a stepped out of the door, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a string-like, almost rope-like thing across the tree just outside my door. It can’t be… can it? I followed it until I see the biggest spider I’ve ever seen in my life devouring something in its web. Fear, dread and guilt wash over me. I feel sick. But remember to let it be and try to move past it.

Photo Credit, Chris Lansdell. Bigger spiders still creep me out since the retreat, more so than before. I think it is something I have not fully faced yet.

That image plays on my mind all day until about 1pm, where everything aligned to create the perfect hell in my mind’s eye.

Benny Benassi – Satisfaction starts to play, getting louder and louder and louder. It seems like there no end to the loudness, it just keeps rising. My mind shouts “stopppp. I want it to stopppp!” like an upset kid having a tantrum. I remind myself to stay equanimous and focussed on my breath. Then, the cicadas outside in the trees (I can only describe as Seagulls crying in horror and in unison) start to sound. It sounds hellish – like doomsday is upon me.

Imagine that but 100s of them all at the same time.

Again. I’m focussed on my breath.

My mind starts to wander even more, projecting images of war of the worlds sized spiders crushing the city in my mind, all while Benny Benassi is getting louder and louder, pressure building in my head and face. Lightning begins to strike the floor, people are screaming and running, there are fireworks in the sky, explosions, and terror engulfs the world in my mind’s eye.

I open my eyes… nothing; I close them again. BAM everything starts again.

I can feel myself slipping away, relinquishing control to the demon world. Quietly and calmly I refocus on my breath again, with my heart increasing its speed. I can feel the pressure building, but I have a moment of clarity – it is only pressure – this is only imagery and there is no reason to be worried.

I sit back calmly watching the hell unfold in my mind, remaining equanimous and calm.

I realize… HOLY FUCK! If I can experience this – how much pain and suffering are people feeling in the world? Instant gratitude, love, and compassion flow out of me and penetrate the world with an understanding of the world’s pain. I am grateful to be here and have this realization.

Suddenly I’m confronted with thoughts about how much I miss my family, my dogs, my partner, and the simple things in life. Thoughts of a conversation of my partner and I flash before my eyes – she had, had a bad day at work and I asked about her day, wishing I hadn’t. I realized how selfish that was, that I had wasted that moment, stuck in my own head an thoughts. Even those “not so good” moments I yearned to experience again.

I started to see how much of a bad partner, friend and son I’d been. It was a harsh to face, but I accepted it for what it was and knew I would leave this retreat with an urge to take responsibility for the areas I lacked in my life. I had to put myself infront of my fears, and face them, or they would devour me.

Finally, Goenka made his chant.

I had made it. I had stared hell in the face, and not let it devour me. I had remained equanimous, during one of the most difficult times in my life. I hadn’t tried to escape, or let anything else be. It was what it was.

Finishing With An Uneasy Feeling

The rest of the retreat was spent trying to remain equanimous, focussed on my breath, and in some sessions going back to the body scan. I was scared. I kept flying from this hellish place to the equanimity and I wanted it to end. I was holding on so tightly, that it was like this until the last day of the meditation. And, when we were finally instructed to do Metta on the 10th day, I felt more broken than ever.

I began to mistake other sounds that were really happening for flies buzzing around my head at points. There were Buddhist chants in the distances I mistook for flies in times of great stress, then realizing that it was only the chant in the distance.

I just wanted to go home.

I was happy I made it, but I was destroyed mentally. I left the course with an uneasy feeling of “I think I might have opened up something I’m not ready to deal with”. I’m glad I did and knew I would be ok, but damn it was intense. From pure bliss to total destruction and everything in between, Vipassana was quite something!

I never realized how fucking difficult it would be. This was harder than anything I’d done. I would rather run 50 miles 10 times over than this. At least there is some form of escape to that. Then it clicked… HOLY SHIT!

I have been running from this my entire life. Whether a good addiction or bad addiction, I have attached myself to these so much in a way to mitigate my pain. And I somewhat knew this before doing Vipassana, but experiencing it clear as day, right in front of you is completely different.

It hits you like a train.

You finally realize that to overcome you must let it be. You can no longer run, no matter how long it lasts. If it lasts forever, so be it.

Life Back in The Real World

Going back to daily life was strange. Everything was far less stressful, but there were moments where I felt totally disconnected and like I wasn’t here.

The only way I can describe it is there were moments where everything in my vision would turn completely vivid. Colours I had never seen in daily life before were vibrating in front of me in real form. It was as if my vision had been upgraded from 1080p to 8k, and events were unravelling before me in real-time. It was almost like I was watching things on a TV screen.

There were a few moments like this that were very interesting to observe. One that I remember in particular was riding on the back of a motorcycle taxi in Thailand, everything in 8k, upgraded vision, and watching us almost crash multiple times like I was watching a character on a TV screen. There was no fear, no attachment to the body and a weird sense of peace.

After the retreat I kept getting these moments pop up at random in daily life. At first I was worried and concerned about a few of them, but as time went on, I started to generate love and compassion for all beings in these moments. I’ve had a few flashes like this happen, but since I have gone back into the old daily routine, things have started to cool down.

The course tells you to keep up with 2hrs of meditation per day. I managed to keep up with this for a month, but I have reduced it to an hour. I figure that an hour is still progress over nothing, and it doesn’t affect my sleep or routine.

I have yet to continue straight Vipassana meditation, as I don’t think it was necessarily the right technique for me. I appreciate the things it helped me with, but I much prefer the Zen-style meditation of residing in open space (would highly recommend Michael Taft’s stuff if you want some good guided mediations).

What Affects Has It Had on My Life?

I generally feel more equipped to deal with stressful situations. There was a short period where I was experiencing a lot of anxiety after the trip, but that has since passed.

I came into the course wanting to help reduce lust, craving and help direct me on the right path in life. It definitely did that for me (for a little bit anyway). It was clear what it was I had to do after the course, but since getting back into the daily grind, the lines have become blurry again and many of the problems that totally vanished after completing the course are back in full swing.

Daily meditation helps me greatly to sit with these and accept them. I am currently on a path to accepting what is more and actively trying to face the things that I have always avoided (mainly social interaction). It’s an intense experience for me, as I have always found that the hardest, trying to avoid it at every turn. I even started a business before and specifically ran it in a way that would totally avoid talking to people – and while it was successful – it only made me unhappy and upset with my lack of connection to mankind.

I am opting to take the slower path for now, doing many loving kindness, forgiveness and non-dual mediations over the body scans. For now that feels right, and I am happy to “wake up” slower for now.

It is a long process, but this course has made me realise I cannot let fear rule me for the rest of my life. I must face what is there to overcome it. Potentially for it to dissolve and a new conditioning to arise, only to start on the wheel again and again and again. Until there is nothing left.

I must stop being selfish, and live to serve and help others. So, even if it was a stressful experience, it was a positive one.

I am committed to being better for mankind.

The Dangers of Intense Goenka Retreats That No One Talks About

I didn’t realise how intesne this would be before signing on. I would advise you to thoroughly think about your decision. If you are going through ANYTHING that is difficult mentally for you right now, you should seek therapy and then consider a course later on. This is not for the feint hearted, and it can cause more damage than good for some people. I believe I had a positive experience overall, but writing about the difficult parts of this course has been a very hard process for me. Almost as if I am revisiting a trauma. Maybe this a trauma from early life I never dealt with, or maybe it’s from the intense sessions – who knows! What I do know is that this sh*t is f*cking gnarly and it will eat you alive if you’re in a bad place.

Do not think of it as a healing practice. Seek help and come back at a later date.

There are stories of people going on these retreats, resurfacing traumas they are not ready to deal with, and doing some serious damage. A girl had psychosis on one and ended up ending her life in the weeks after. BE CAREFUL!

I am luckily ok, but I know I wouldn’t go through one as strict as this again, or one without a registered mental health professional on the board.

Course Schedule

The course schedule for Vipassana was:

  • 4:00 am – Morning wake up
  • 4:30 – 6:30am – Meditate in the hall (they will play a 30 minute chant of Goenka every morning… it’s painful)
  • 6:30 – 8:00am – Breakfast
  • 8:00 – 9:00 am – Meditation in the hall
  • 9:00 – 11:00 am – Meditate in the hall or in your room
  • 11:00am – 12:00pm – Lunch
  • 12:00pm – 1:00pm – Rest & chat with teacher
  • 1:00pm – 2:30pm – Meditate in the hall or your room
  • 2:30pm – 3:30pm – Group meditation in the hall
  • 3:30 – 5:00pm – Meditate in the hall
  • 5:00pm – 6:00pm – Tea break
  • 6:00 – 7:00pm – Group meditation in hall
  • 7:00 – 8:15pm – Discourse in hall
  • 8:15 – 9:00pm – Group meditation in hall
  • 9:00 – 9:30 – Questions in the hall

One thing I’ll mention about the schedule is that you realise how much time you actually have in the day without all the distractions. Without all the social media, emails… whatever it is, gives you so much more time. Because you don’t have the opportunity to just scroll for minutes (or hours), it becomes so easy to do the things you usually put off.

For me, the breaks were actually too long. I wanted to just get back to it, because I had eaten within 10-15 minutes, been able to wash my clothes, clean my room, brush my teeth, have a shower, do some walking for exercise and STILL have time left over.

It made me realize how much of my life is wasted on pointless cr*p, and how addicted I was to it. Stripping it away for 10 days was hard to deal with (almost like withdrawal). Thoughts about emails, what price the stocks were, work, social media, and how people were getting on all raced through my mind.

Point is… it’s incredibly addictive, and you don’t realize how addictive it is until you are not allowed to use it. If my devices weren’t locked away, I’m sure I would have broken the rules. It showed me how easy it is to give up on what you wanted to do, without even thinking about it. It has become an automatic reaction. You have been Pavlov dog trained to react without thought.

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